Wednesday, August 13, 2008

That is where we are as of Wednesday August the 13th.  There are only four more weeks to go until the Due Date and perhaps it is that, perhaps it is my gaming console is on the fritz right now, perhaps it is that my WordPress stats have gone down…whatever it is, I am seriously stressed out.

Perhaps I am putting too much on my plate, making too much out of online stats, I need to just find a quiet place to re-center myself.  I am just so frazzled right now I have kept myself from commenting in blogs, visiting other sites I usually visit and perhaps I do need to go for another boat ride.  I hope you had a chance to check out that Boat Ride I posted the other day.

Working on that blog did allow me to calm down quite a bit.  I feel so betrayed by my console.  I put so much into it that it just hurts to have it quit on you just like that.  I now understand what all those who have suffered this have had to go through.  It sucks.

I have avenues to explore though before I accept it and send it in to Sony to have it repaired.  I just don’t needed added expenses to our already thin budget.

I nearly had a melt down the other night as I sat there considering the expenses and the inevitability that we will have another mouth in the house to feed.  It balances out though as our oldest will be attending high school and will be staying in a student residence during the week and busing home on the weekends.

Still the idea of diapers, baby formula and the cost of gas that is needed in order for us to get into town to get these things on a regular basis is just too much for me to consider at this point.  I do not want to stress my wife out as she can worry too much at times and she does not need to have things to worry brought to her.

Consider:  With my meetings that I will be attending over the next few weeks, my mother expressed concern for my wife’s medical appointments in town that she has to travel 2.5 hours for.  If you are eight months pregnant, 2.5 hours is not just a couple of hours.  It could mean the difference between this or that.  Knowing that I might be attending a meeting and might not be able to be there with my wife for these appointments that will now come pretty much every week, my mom asked about either our oldest or perhaps even herself going with my wife as an escort for her appointment.

As I started to relate this to her, she knew immediately what I was talking about and began to worry about what could happen if she went into premature labor or complications arose and she was out in town by herself.  Legitimate concern I know but that still didn’t stop her from trying to go to town on her own.  Needless to say, that trip was a few weeks ago and our oldest son went with her.  Trust me I felt so much better knowing she was not alone and I thank my Mom for helping out.

We have an appointment in town tomorrow and will be bringing with us another community member who has a medical trip in town.  It will be my opportunity to talk to her doctor.  I will feel better knowing that I will have had the opportunity to find out for myself if I need to cancel my meetings and take that financial hit to be with my wife.

I don’t like that it is so friggin hard to get by these days.  I don’t like that the cost of living has risen so much this past year that I can’t help but stress out as I contemplate all the things that go toward a healthy baby in the home.  Expenses.

Believe me though, when baby is born and I have held him or her in my arms, none of this will matter.  Seriously.  It won’t.

What will matter is that we have our baby and the both baby and Mom are healthy and safe.  That is what worries me the most, knowing that I could lose either or both in that critical birthing process.  I am a mess right now but I need to get through this stress.

With our first born, it was an adventure.  It was a first for both my wife and I.  With our second child, it was still an adventure but one where we knew what to expect.  That was a little over ten years ago and we have had three miscarriages since.  One that was very much a dire situation and scary as hell as I remember my first and only helicopter ride.  It was a Medivac.  I had always wanted to ride in a helicopter so it was a weird ride.  I was stressed the whole time.  Worrying about my wife who was hurting and in danger and getting used to the new to me side to side turbulence of the helicopter.

Prior to our road, we used float planes and the turbulence you get from a Cessna is more of an up and down air pockets thing so the helicopter side to side turbulence was new to me.  i did not enjoy that helicopter ride and still hope I get to experience one for the ride and not for the medical emergency.

I hesitate in even typing those words because that is the last thing I want to face at this time.  I am at my wit’s end and it showed when I nearly broke down in front of my wife the other night.  She helped me get through that though.  I really do love her.

The other two miscarriages were simply early terminations and just weren’t meant to be.  We now believe that her Hig Blood Pressure pills she was on had been affecting those pregnancies so this one we were ready for and we have made it to 36 so far so things are looking great.

Still I can’t help but feel scared as I contemplate the possibilities of how her high blood pressure could have adverse effects on her after delivery.  I am scared, what can I say.  I don’t know what I would do if I had lost her.  I have seen too many people passing on lately that it is just something I can no longer ignore.

Perhaps it is my 39th year that in not just on the horizon but coming down my driveway.  Perhaps it is the possibility that I could lose my wife, yeah that is what is stressing me out.  I never really said it before and as I finish this sentence, I can’t help but feel a sense of relief for being able to say it.

I am stressed out right now.  I don’t even care if I get any comments anymore.  I just need to write and that is what this post is about.  Saying what I need to say and dealing with the reality.

I hope you can do the same if you are stressed out.  Talk about it.  No one there?  Write about it and you may find someone to talk to should they leave you a comment.

**EDIT**  August 15,2008

As of this edit, I have had to deal with weather in the community that has cut the wifi down as well as servers going down which equated to nearly two days of no internet.

I wrote this post on Wednesday and it is not Friday.  We did go to town yesterday and things are doing well so I am feeling muchbetter after our doctor’s visit.  Things are on course and we are guessing that next week she will be heading in to town to wait for the baby.  We have a few things to think about until then.  First is our sons.  They will be starting school pretty quick here and we will be in town for this so we will have to come to grips that we will not be at home when our boys start this school year.

My wife did not like that she will miss our oldest heading off to high school but we did get his school supplies yesterday and she did say that I could come home and spend the night at home with him and see him off.  I really do love her.

With the due date on September 10, 2008 we will be in town waiting and that does complicate things for me a bit since I want to be with her but at the same time have obligations to meetings and the beginning of this school year.  My obligations to my wife and our baby take precedence over all but that doesn’tmean I can’t feel the stress, work out the stress and deal with the stress by posting this and knowing that I have dealt with it as best as I can.

I am feeling much better.  Once the initial loss of my console passed, I am able to refocus and put things in perspective.  Thank you readers for giving me the opportunity to work through this.